My friend Valerie sent me a link to an on-line story called The Newly Mindful Anderson Cooper. If you’re one of my many readers outside of the US you’re probably as clueless as me about Anderson Cooper, since I don’t watch TV unless I’m visiting someone who has one switched on and I can’t get them to switch it off.
I’m passingly aware that Anderson Cooper is a massively popular American TV guy. I think maybe he hosts a news program. He’s not an actor. I know that much. I also think maybe he’s gay and that his coming out was a big deal. But I’m not really certain and I don’t feel like Googling it.
That’s because I already know what I need to know. And that is that Anderson Cooper is a phenomenally popular TV guy in America and now he’s talking about mindfulness. So he is yet one more fabulously popular American TV guy who is into mindfulness. Usually popular TV guys in the US are into mindlessness. So I guess that’s a step forward.
When I clicked on the link to the story about Cooper, the version I got was sponsored by Viagra, which is a pill that’s supposed to make middle-aged men get erections like 16 year old boys. I don’t know if the gods of the Internet magically made it so that my version got the Viagra ad because they got my age and gender from Facebook or if everybody who clicks on the link gets the same ad.
So when I watched this piece, halfway through it there appeared on my screen an attractive woman in her late thirties or early forties telling me that sometimes instead of curling up with a good book, a gal wants to curl up with a good man. But, she said, about 50% of men over 40 sometimes have erectile dysfunction. Viagra, she told me, would fix that. And she cheerfully reminded me that I only had to take it when I needed it. Then she told me that it might make me die or get a boner that lasted more than four hours for which I’d have to get someone to take me to the emergency room with a massive woody jutting out in front of me.
This same ad then repeated itself at the end of the piece. It fascinated me so much I let it play through again.
Listen, attractive lady! My equipment still works just as well as it did when I was twenty-five. Better! Because I have a clue what to do with it these days. And yet you have succeeded, attractive lady, in making me uptight about it so that the next time I have an off night I’ll be thinking, “Oh God. What if I do need Viagra to get it up? What if the attractive lady in her late thirties or early forties was right? It never happened before but what if it’s starting now?”
If that attractive lady can get me to think about Viagra, maybe handsome Anderson Cooper, successful media personality, can get America to think about mindfulness. Maybe pretty soon Viagra customers and potential Viagra customers and the attractive ladies (or men in Anderson’s case, if I was right about his gay-ness) who love them will all want to try out some mindfulness to go along with their Viagra and their potentially deadly four-hour erections. And wouldn’t that be just great!
Anderson Cooper interviewed Jon Kabbit Zinn, whose name I refuse to look up the proper spelling of even though it would only take a couple seconds, just like it would to confirm whether or not Anderson Cooper is gay or has a news program because FUCK YOU INTERNET! And FUCK YOU 21st CENTURY CONVENIENCE! FUCK YOUR INTOLERANCE OF ANYONE WHO DOESN’T IMMEDIATELY KNOW THE FULL STORY ON EVERY POP CULTURE MEME! I didn’t even know Green Day was being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Green Day can get inducted, but killer cops can’t get indicted. What the hell kind of world is this anyway?
So Anderson Cooper’s life was changed by mindfulness. And Jon Cabbage Zen-Master got another couple of minutes in front of America. And no one is worth listening to unless Anderson Cooper has interviewed them on the fucking Internet. And mindfulness must be good because fucking Ander-fucking-son Coo-fucking-per went on a retreat and it changed his white, successful, TV person life.
And I’m going to be roasted over the coals by fifteen commenters to this blog piece (just wait a couple days and scroll down) because I did not praise this event to the heavens and thank the Lords of Mindfulness that Jon Cleavage Zipperhead is leading the masses to the True Way of Commercialized Viagra Swilling Meditation for the Upper Middle Classes.
And the same day — the very same day — some Taliban fuck-nuts go and shoot up a school. Probably because God told them to do it.
God can suck my dick.
And I won’t even need a dose of Viagra. Take that, attractive lady in her mid-thirties or early forties!
So yeah. Whatever. Anderson Cooper is into mindfulness now. Hoorah.
And hashtagging will save the planet. And love is all you need.
And my point is, I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING POINT. Not everything has a fucking POINT. Not everything has to have a fucking point.
You probably don’t need Viagra. You probably just need to stop watching TV commercials that make you so nervous that you lose your boner and end up thinking you need Viagra. And maybe we should all lose our boners until such time as fuck-nuts stop slaughtering children in schools.
What does it mean when Viagra is trying to sell us mindfulness? Who is profiting? That’s what I’m curious about. Obviously Jon Crabmeat Zit is gonna get 30-bazillion more sign-ups to his next mindfulness retreat as a result of this coverage. Maybe one guy will show up to a class of mine because Jon Cumberbund Zed’s thing down the street was full up. It’s trickle down mindful-nomics.
I’m not mad. Not really. It’s funny and it’s tragic and it’s stupid and I want to laugh and puke until I cry, that’s all. I’m just filtering that and giving you this little piece of zentertainment to chew on.
I love you.
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Thank you to everyone who participated and helped out with the retreat at Mt. Baldy recently! Without you, it doesn’t happen. In case you missed that one, you can now sign up for the next one April 24-26, 2015.
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Your donations are always appreciated! Like I’m gonna get anything after writing a piece like that one…