LIFT THE SEAT

Iím in Peetís Coffee Shop on the Sunset Strip as I write this. Just a couple minutes ago a lame-ass pseudo punk rock dickhead with a big Mohawk and a high priced leather jacket walked in. How do I know he was a dickhead? Hereís how.

He walks into the place, makes a beeline for the toilet, does his business and then leaves. Now the fact that he did not ďpay the rentĒ by purchasing a drink already makes him a candidate for dickhead status. But maybe heís destitute or in a big hurry, both of which I doubt, but maybe.

Hereís what makes him a dickhead for sure. I went into the toilet just after he departed and discovered he left about a cup of his piss all over the seat.

Just how much effort does it take to lift up a toilet seat? I suppose heís all punk rock and stuff thinking, yíknow, like ďfuck these straight ass conventions of lifting the seat, I do what I want!Ē Or whatever. Or maybe he doesnít even consider such things at all.

If you want to understand Buddhism, which Iím sure this dickhead never will, the first thing you need to understand is that, if youíre a dude, you must always lift the seat before you take a piss. You must pay your way into the club, not sneak in through then back. You are not allowed to write graffiti anywhere except in places where you are specifically encouraged to do so.

Do you get what Iím saying? Because if youíre a dickhead you never will. If youíre a dickhead you need a big long list of doís and donítís and you need a guy with a big long stick standing behind you at all times to whack you over the head whenever you do one of the donítís or donít do one of the doís. You will never be a Buddhist with that attitude. And if you bring it to one of my sittings I will send you away.

Buddhist morality is lifting the seat. Itís vacuuming the carpet once a week. Itís dropping your candy wrapper in a trashcan and not on the sidewalk. These are all moral choices.

Do what is right and donít do what is wrong. And donít pretend you donít know the difference because you do.

61 Responses

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  1. Anonymous
    Anonymous January 24, 2007 at 10:51 pm | |

    More pet peeves…

    As Kyudo Nakagawa Roshi told
    Lawrence Shainberg in the book
    “Ambivalent Zen”:

    “DON’T FORGET TO WASH YOUR HANDS!”

    (The Japanese are far more civilized
    than Westerners, because they bow
    rather than shake hands — yuck ;)

  2. Anonymous
    Anonymous January 25, 2007 at 5:03 am | |

    I almost pissed my pants reading this. Hilarious!

  3. Uku
    Uku January 25, 2007 at 10:35 am | |

    What some of you people don’t get it? Brad is just a stupid dickhead himself or he knows something he’s trying to tell you.

    We all know his Mom died. And that’s really sad.

    Still, get a grip! Don’t act like the dickhead Brad discribed.

    Ever thought this life is nothing but koan?

    Brad’s Mom just died and Brad is trying to teach you something. Listen him, cut the bs. Act, do something, don’t just whine and talk philosophy nonsense.

    Buddhism is only acting, not talking metaphoric bs and comparing different ideas and thoughts. When you act, thought comes. And if you act, do only things that helps you and others, thoughts will come real.

    Cut the bs.

    Yours, Uku, Espoo, Finland

  4. Anatman
    Anatman January 25, 2007 at 11:16 am | |

    Sorry Uku, but Buddhism is not “only acting.”

    It is also “talking metaphoric bs and comparing different ideas and thoughts.”

  5. Uku
    Uku January 25, 2007 at 11:17 pm | |

    Dear Anatman,

    you’re right.

    All the best,
    Uku

  6. sonnyblue
    sonnyblue January 26, 2007 at 8:33 pm | |

    If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him!
    If you meet a dickhead in the toilet room, kill him, too!

  7. Anonymous
    Anonymous February 3, 2007 at 3:30 am | |

    I like this post. It hits me hard and makes me think.

  8. Anonymous
    Anonymous February 3, 2007 at 3:34 am | |

    I didn’t know Mike Cross had a mohawk. < runs away! >

  9. Anonymous
    Anonymous February 18, 2007 at 5:59 am | |

    Once upon a time a big monk and a little monk were travelling together. They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge was damaged. They had to wade across the river. There was a pretty lady who was stuck at the damaged bridge and couldn’t cross the river. The big monk offered to carry the pretty lady across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk. “How can big brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?” thought the little monk. But he kept quiet. The big monk carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily. When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her. All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk. He was making up all kinds of accusations about the big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the big monk had no inclination to explain his situation. Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the little monk could not stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the big monk. “How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite.” The big monk looked surprised and said, “I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?”

    -Chan Story

  10. Anonymous
    Anonymous June 14, 2007 at 2:16 am | |

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  11. Anonymous
    Anonymous September 24, 2007 at 12:00 am | |

    i once went to the bathroom and found that someone had tinkled on the seat. i complained about it as i left the stall and another girl informed me that such a bitch was called an “asscocker”. i never heard such a thing before. have you?

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